"Second Chance"

Wow... So the past couple of weeks have been Insane! So much has happened, I've made Mistakes, Bad Choices, Fights, and Worked to fix them. Although I know there's a few people who will hurt a lot, for a long time. Although I've been waiting and trying to do what I can to repair the hurt, I know there's prolly nothing I could ever do to make up for some of my mistakes. I think I've finally started to get past the guilt. However, I'm still far from fine. I've been doing a Lot of Thinking, and trying to decide how I can change to keep from doing these things again. The ultimate solution I've come to, is absolutely not to go too far, and don't just fall into a relationship. Give each and every prospect some time, and gather a few before jumping to the next one. Some may say this is a Poor policy that makes me into a skank. But I honestly think it will help. A Lot.

In other news, tensions at home are continuing to rise, Fast. I Really don't know What I'm Gonna do. I'll be Totally honest, I'm not free of guilt. However, my parents choices in dealing with problems (or what They view as Problematic) is exceedingly Unhelpful. Honestly I know the only ways I'll ever be able to truly get through this is to simply Leave, and become fully independent. However, I have NO Clue How I'm gonna do that. Very recently I've had major restriction placed on my monetary support from them, which would be fair if it didn't inhibit by capability to apply, obtain, and keep a Job until such time as I can support my needs through said job.
This vicious cycle just keeps coming Over and Over again. And I don't think I can handle it anymore. Paired with my own personal problems, I'm Really Scared I'm not gonna get a job, certainly not a very good one.


Ultimately I Know that almost all of this crapp is because of my own actions and choices, and that honestly is the hardest part to deal with. Realizing that so far my whole life is just Self-Defeating. All I can do right now is Hope that I can break out of this cycle and actually move forward. However, unfortunately I can't see a way to do that without a Major Shake up of some kind. =( which is Very difficult for me to deal with let alone initiate.

Well, that's the news. Here's hoping it all turns out well. I'm still Very concerned for the people involved in all this drama. More than anything I just hope everything turns out well for them. So far, Life Continues. Stay Strong everybody!

PUMA

"Ars Eternus, Vita Brevis."

Wow, I haven't posted in forever, So much has been going on! There's no way I could possibly put all of what's been happening into one single post (partially because a lot of it is all 'in-progress' still). However, I'm going to try and write a few posts in the next week-or-so focusing on the different happenings.

This first post [if you haven't already figured out from the title - points to you if your first reaction was to look it up ;) ] has to do with art. Now, I have been on a journey of self-discovery of late, and such things of course works throughout the entirety of our lives at the time. One of the places I have discovered a lot about myself is through my Communication class. We have spent a Lot of time discussing how peoples minds' work as well as personality types, perceptions, where our knowledge comes from, consciousness etc... in this I have made a revolutionary discovery about myself. When discussing The Whole Brain Model of personalities (shown here)

I have discovered that I am a Yellow! Okay, you're prolly thinking I'm an idiot. However, this is truly a discovery for me. I realized that I've been spending So much of my life trying desperately to pull together whatever pieces of Red and Blue and little green I had and trying to force myself to be those. There was always this "idea" or "attitude" this.. "Belief" that surrounded me that art was somewhat important, artists were Ok people, and art was good, but just not the sort of thing I should ever pursue, certainly Not as a career. However, this recent discovery has led me to realize that I was always meant to create, in some form, and I am now trying to accept the fact that this Is what I am meant to do, and that I need to assert myself to that.

At this point I'm simply trying to continue to create as I have in the past, as well as slowly expanding my horizons. Most of this of course is simply little things to entertain mainly my self right now. But I do hope, with strength and courage, to someday emerge into a greater world of creation and inspiration.

Well, that's all I've got for now, but I'm sure given a little more time I'll be ready to expound upon my other discoveries, ideas, and journeys. =)

PUMA