Further Attempts at Art

So, I've recently been doing a Lot of messing around (but in a kinda serious way) with various art forms. Attempting to both just have fun and get out and express myself through different forms of artistry. One of my more recent endevors is one that I have been contemplating for some time. Long story short I have been writing a song about an experience of mine through the last year or so. It's pretty sad in a way, but it's been a growing experience, writing the song has even helped me to understand it better. So here's what I've got, I'd Love to hear what people think/like/dislike etc...





"Space on My Wall"

Trying to reach you, saying ' I'm to blame '
you say 'It's all okay. life brings change.'
but I know better, Is it easier to deny?
can't you even just say goodbye?
*** It's time to let go,
Your picture's gone but you're still there,
How can you still say that it's all fair?
Now you're just blank space on my wall***
The sum of love, Three years to fall,
One moment to crack, two months to stray
Don't want you to leave, but you can't stay
*** It's time to let go,
Your picture's gone but you're still there,
How can you still say that it's all fair?
Now you're just blank space on my wall***
I still wake up thinking of you
it's so much harder for me
trying to put you out of my mind
than for you to leave me behind
*** It's time to let go,
Your picture's gone but you're still there,
How can you still say that it's all fair?
Now you're just blank space on my wall***
And now I realize
this hurt I try to hide
it's you I'm trying to replace
and I can see you in every face
*** It's time to let go,
Your picture's gone but you're still there,
How can you still say that it's all fair?
Now you're just blank space on my wall***
Funny how fast 'forever' ends,
How long will it take to shrink this pain?
Filling this hole, I try and try
but it's just more hurt, I didn't know why
-But Now-
*** It's time to let go,
Your picture's gone but you're still there,
How can you still say that it's all fair?
Now you're just blank space on my wall***

"Second Chance"

Wow... So the past couple of weeks have been Insane! So much has happened, I've made Mistakes, Bad Choices, Fights, and Worked to fix them. Although I know there's a few people who will hurt a lot, for a long time. Although I've been waiting and trying to do what I can to repair the hurt, I know there's prolly nothing I could ever do to make up for some of my mistakes. I think I've finally started to get past the guilt. However, I'm still far from fine. I've been doing a Lot of Thinking, and trying to decide how I can change to keep from doing these things again. The ultimate solution I've come to, is absolutely not to go too far, and don't just fall into a relationship. Give each and every prospect some time, and gather a few before jumping to the next one. Some may say this is a Poor policy that makes me into a skank. But I honestly think it will help. A Lot.

In other news, tensions at home are continuing to rise, Fast. I Really don't know What I'm Gonna do. I'll be Totally honest, I'm not free of guilt. However, my parents choices in dealing with problems (or what They view as Problematic) is exceedingly Unhelpful. Honestly I know the only ways I'll ever be able to truly get through this is to simply Leave, and become fully independent. However, I have NO Clue How I'm gonna do that. Very recently I've had major restriction placed on my monetary support from them, which would be fair if it didn't inhibit by capability to apply, obtain, and keep a Job until such time as I can support my needs through said job.
This vicious cycle just keeps coming Over and Over again. And I don't think I can handle it anymore. Paired with my own personal problems, I'm Really Scared I'm not gonna get a job, certainly not a very good one.


Ultimately I Know that almost all of this crapp is because of my own actions and choices, and that honestly is the hardest part to deal with. Realizing that so far my whole life is just Self-Defeating. All I can do right now is Hope that I can break out of this cycle and actually move forward. However, unfortunately I can't see a way to do that without a Major Shake up of some kind. =( which is Very difficult for me to deal with let alone initiate.

Well, that's the news. Here's hoping it all turns out well. I'm still Very concerned for the people involved in all this drama. More than anything I just hope everything turns out well for them. So far, Life Continues. Stay Strong everybody!

PUMA

"Ars Eternus, Vita Brevis."

Wow, I haven't posted in forever, So much has been going on! There's no way I could possibly put all of what's been happening into one single post (partially because a lot of it is all 'in-progress' still). However, I'm going to try and write a few posts in the next week-or-so focusing on the different happenings.

This first post [if you haven't already figured out from the title - points to you if your first reaction was to look it up ;) ] has to do with art. Now, I have been on a journey of self-discovery of late, and such things of course works throughout the entirety of our lives at the time. One of the places I have discovered a lot about myself is through my Communication class. We have spent a Lot of time discussing how peoples minds' work as well as personality types, perceptions, where our knowledge comes from, consciousness etc... in this I have made a revolutionary discovery about myself. When discussing The Whole Brain Model of personalities (shown here)

I have discovered that I am a Yellow! Okay, you're prolly thinking I'm an idiot. However, this is truly a discovery for me. I realized that I've been spending So much of my life trying desperately to pull together whatever pieces of Red and Blue and little green I had and trying to force myself to be those. There was always this "idea" or "attitude" this.. "Belief" that surrounded me that art was somewhat important, artists were Ok people, and art was good, but just not the sort of thing I should ever pursue, certainly Not as a career. However, this recent discovery has led me to realize that I was always meant to create, in some form, and I am now trying to accept the fact that this Is what I am meant to do, and that I need to assert myself to that.

At this point I'm simply trying to continue to create as I have in the past, as well as slowly expanding my horizons. Most of this of course is simply little things to entertain mainly my self right now. But I do hope, with strength and courage, to someday emerge into a greater world of creation and inspiration.

Well, that's all I've got for now, but I'm sure given a little more time I'll be ready to expound upon my other discoveries, ideas, and journeys. =)

PUMA

Thoughts, Masks, and Mistakes

This last week I watched the movie "Prayers For Bobby" for the first time. I was Completely blown away. Not only was it a compelling and well told story, it hit so very close to home.

When I saw the first half of the movie I couldn't help but see myself in bobby. Admittedly my family is Quite the picture of perfect closeness that the Griffith's are pictured as. When I saw this though, I could relate to the strain Bobby felt, wanting to share his 'Real' or Personal self with his family, but constantly ducking behind masks for fear of their rejection.
At this point in my own life, I have spent much time in the same sort of state, Constantly hiding from my family or anyone connected to them, anything they might disapprove of,

"You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it."
(V For Vendetta)

Consequently, I am now attempting to 'find my true self'.

As the story progresses through Bobby's secret being revealed, I watched as the plot played out what has perhaps been the greater fear of mine, as Bobby's family (His mother mostly) begin to try and 'heal' him. In effect his family ends up Smothering him by constantly forcing scriptures and prayer on him, judging his every move, even things they never cared about or noticed before become scrutinized, and anything they view as 'Gay Behavior' is condemned.

This brings home an aspect of the reason I'm hoping to be able to move out of my parents house soon. I've gone through many various ideas of places to go. I would quite honestly like to have the experience of living somewhere for college, but I haven't come up with any place in particular that I'd like to go for a degree. It's also hard now because I've built such relationships here, I really think it would be difficult to leave now.

Although I say all this as if it's been one big revelation, I've been contemplating things like this for some time. as have others. Another Quite significant moment in this personal reflection/search I've been doing, was watching the GLEE Episode "Grilled Cheesus" I know it was all about Kirk and his crisis with God because he's gay, however, that part passed over me without much strong connection. It was actually this little moment with Sue and her sister that really caught me.

Sue: "Do you believe in god Jeanie?"
Jean: "Do you?"
Sue: "No. I don't."
Jean: "Why not?"
Sue: "When we were little girls, you were Perfect in my eyes. And then I saw the world be cruel to you."
Jean: "God never makes mistakes.. That's what I believe."

That moment almost brought me to tears, realizing: no one had ever said that to me. and much like saying "try" "allows failure to be an option", not hearing affirmation like that "allows the option of you as a mistake."

Anyway, watching both of these has Really made me think a Lot about Many things, and I'd never be able to type them all here. However I encourage you to watch the film yourself, if you'd like to see into these life experiences, learning about one's self, and finding faith. As always please comment!

PUMA

Songs

I've had these two songs stuck on my mind recently. I've known both of them "kind of" for a long time, but recently they've both struck me in a new way. I'm not really sure what exact meanings they hold for me, but that's what I'm trying to figure out. These are the times I really wish I were more of an artist. I feel like it would be easier to discover what things like this hold for me if I were proficient in some particular form of art, I could take the feelings and ideas these give me and apply them to my art. But alas, I have only meager skills an several art forms. So until I can find the meaning somewhere inside myself, I shall have nothing to leave for you here but links to the lyrics.

PUMA

"Colors Of The Wind" - Pocahontas
http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/classicdisney/colorsofthewind.htm


"Hallelujah" - Jeff Buckley
http://www.lyrics007.com/Jeff%20Buckley%20Lyrics/Hallelujah%20Lyrics.html

"CAGED"

Where Some are Home, Others are Lost.
Where simple, quiet, & comfortable are expected,
some can not sit, can not breathe.
The night calls to him.
Danger becomes simple, noise calming, movement soothing.
He must be free!
Forcing stillness upon his body,
he tears it apart.
He becomes like the prey he can not chase.
Allowing the simple, quiet to eat him.
His soul writhes inside of his stillness.
This all-but great cat suffers silently.
He was never meant to be caged.

News FLASH!!

Sorry I haven't posted in Forever. I've been kinda busy but kinda not. Mostly I'd say I've been chasing random dreams that are never to be (But we'll get to that later). I'm really enjoying my classes this semester. I am taking a Martial Arts class and relearning all the awesome stuff I did years ago. It's SO Much Fun I LOVE IT!!! especially because I talked to one of the instructors whom I had learned with before, & our estimate is that I will be able to work my way back to where I was AND achieve black belt status within a year & 1/2!!! So that's been awesome! I also have a Drama class "Acting Through Voice & Movement" which I'm taking for my fine art requirement. I'm actually Really enjoying the class & being really challenged by it. It's almost begun to again make me consider doing theater. So that's the news from school.
In other news, I find myself incurably single again. Idk, it seems like I just can't find the right guy. Not to mention I've been slightly confused about a couple. Idk... I think I need to just take some time & meet some guys and just relax & not worry about a Relationship. But as always, when it's What you Want, it's hard to give up. well I guess that's the end of my rant/news for now. TTys When I've got more (and hopefully Much Better) news!

PUMA

Photo Love Survey

I was recently given the opportunity to participate in a survey being conducted by The University of Michigan (Ann Arbor) that "looks at the experiences and opinions that young gay, bisexual, queer, and questioning (GBQQ) men have about romantic love.
Since this topic can be very different to articulate in words, we are conducting a study using nonverbal communication to learn more about their perceptions of romantic love."
As a part of the "Nonverbal communication" subjects are asked to participate in a "creative exercise" then have an interview over the meaning of what they created. I chose the photography option, & I just received the packet the other day. I'm super excited, but still having just a Little trouble coming up with ideas. So, just a quick blurb about what I'm doing. If you'd like to know more about the study here's the web address: https://www.sph.umich.edu/sexlab/plove/Welcome.html
TTYS!

PUMA

Coming Out

Well, this is a post specifically for the purpose of opening up, hopefully answering some questions, & giving an update on what's been going on in my life.








So, I guess the point you kind have to start at when first doing this is way back at the beginning -
So, growing up in a catholic family, homosexuality was never accepted or even Ever talked about. Mostly my parents lived by a book of "if you teach it to them, they'll do it. If you ignore it, it'll never happen." So because of this I really had no understanding of what homosexuality was when I was a kid. However, looking back I was always attracted to other boys, even though I didn't understand it. As I got older though & began to develop I started to understand & recognize what these feelings meant. Of course I didn't have the tools to handle this realization, & due to the way I was raised I fought it for a Long time. Always going back & forth with myself, thinking it was okay, & then beating myself down, feeling guilty for the way I felt.

Those were some really rough years through high school. I had a lot of personal turmoil, & I honestly did some terrible things trying to suppress my attraction. but then finally, around the end of the summer right before my senior year, I began to finally Begin to accept that perhaps this was simply who I was. so I began to meet other gay guys & chat with them (of course this was all very covert). By the time I was almost a month into school I had made a gay friend from my area & started seeing him.
However, I still was not free of the negative feelings toward my attraction. So after a few encounters with my friend, I felt I needed to figure out what I should do. So after a Lot of thinking I chose one of my older friends who's a very devout catholic & whom I figured would be safe to tell, & one night we had a Long discussion, where I told him I was gay & we talked about a lot of different things, none of which determined anything at the time, but which did send me back into a path of denial & suppression. This path would continue through the end of my senior year. Although, to be honest, the reason was Not because of my own doubts, but more to please my environment (Family, Friends, Religion). I myself still cycled back & forth.

The rest of those months brought tremendous changes, Tons of new experiences, lessons, self discovery & realization. During the summer I finally began to fully Start to accept my sexuality. While I was on break I met & started seeing a guy. I really have to say, I owe a lot to Evan. He was the first one who gave me the affirmation, support & encouragement I needed to accept myself, & even begin to consider coming out.

As the months passed I began to start coming out to a few select of my closer friends. Each time getting a little bit easier, yet still keeping things very closed. By the time I reached the beginning of college I had a small group of supportive friends who I was out to & I felt open to coming out to new friends. so as I began to meet & make new friends I slowly came out to them.


So far, I had played things very close to the chest. I hadn't come out to anyone I thought might let something slip to my family nor anyone from my high school. However, these issues have been constantly on my mind for years: How would I ever come out to my family? Could I come out to my family? How would they React? How would my older friends react? So I have thoroughly considered every aspect of these issues, throughout my life, going about my everyday business. So I decided about a month ago that it was time to take another step. & So, I came out on Facebook to all my old High School friends, my college friends, basically almost everyone except my family. I did it so quickly, it seemed like I didn't even really think about it. Bu the truth was I had been preparing for that moment for a Long time. So when I finally felt like it was time, it was very simple.

I Still haven't reached being able to come out to my family, however that is a step that often waits a long time. & although it's not ideal, I am willing to wait. Because I know that I want the time to be right. However, for the moment I am busy building my little "family of friends" & I Love them So Much! & I can't wait to hopefully expand it =)

So, There it is. All out in the open. This is me getting Real. & I know that there may be other things people want to know. So, I Really really hope people comment,& message me, (& If you can even Text) & ask me All Kinds of Questions! Please don't be afraid to make comments & ask questions. I don't care if We talk everyday, We hardly know each other, We haven't talked in a Long time, whether we're close or not So close. I understand it does take some amount of courage to risk seeming foolish, but I hope many of you will overcome that. =)
Just a reminder (& introduction for those who don't already know it),
My rule is: I will not take offense at, disregard, or ignore any question that is asked with true honesty. I respect & in fact Welcome people's curiosity! There's no other way to Really learn about each other. So I Promise, to respectfully consider each & every question people ask me, & answer as Many as I can, as Best I can.
This IS my rule for Life, so it doesn't just apply here, but Anywhere.
Thanks for reading, & I'll be back again soon!

PUMA

Getting Real

Upon reflection I felt I needed to clarify something about my blog. It has both been my purpose from it's creation as well as a recent revelation of mine that this blogs purpose is as an Outlet for me, & a pursuit of Truth. Due both to unfortunate circumstances in my life & my own bias, it's often difficult for me to live with complete honesty. So this blog is my attempt at "Getting Real" & presenting the Truth of who I Am & in that an Outlet for me & my whole personality.
I know this is kinda out of left field, but I felt it was important to put it out there. So expect lots of ME! Uncensored & unashamed. I'll be writing again very soon!

PUMA

Crazy Horror Film Dream

So this was an actual dream that I had a few months back.

I found myself standing in the middle of a department store. As far as I could tell the place was deserted. Probably it was sometime in the night after hours. So I started to wander around, trying to figure out why I was here. As I walked I was getting more and more creeped out. Then suddenly I turned a corner and I ran into a couple people who were clearly panicked and they started babbling about how we were trapped there and how every so often another person would show up. And then we all split up and were trying to get out.
Then I saw this half zombie-ish girl kill someone a ways off. I ran and kept trying to find some way out. Next thing I know people just started killing each other. It became a race to survive. I managed to stay out of most of it. The next thing I knew it was just me and this Girl left. So I ran to the home improvement section looking for weapons. So, I started making a plan and collecting weapons. my weapon of choice- round saw blades, held in the middle, either for throwing or close combat. I began to run around and create a perimeter. mostly by breaking glass objects at the entrances to isles.
Then I see the girl a ways off she starts coming after me so I run back to the center of Home Improvement. I go to an isle I had passed earlier which had some nice glass picture frames. She was just behind me now. I grabbed a couple and broke them at the next corner. then went a little ways further, grabbed my saw blades and turned to throw them when she would hit the glass coming around the corner.... & I wake up.

Not sure if it has a meaning, though I would be interested to know what it is. Just a fun little story :P Please Comment!

PUMA

What's Happening...

I haven't really done one of these "Life Posts" so this might just turn into aimless rambling, but please bear with me.

So, life's a pretty crazy thing. In the last couple of months or so I've had a lot of things change. A lot of good & some not so good. I finished my first semester with not so wonderful grades (to put it lightly) & now have to work super hard to catch up. Mostly all because of stupid mistakes, not keeping up and paying attention. So school's pretty stressful.

I haven't really seen any of my new friends since before break, so I'm anxious to catch up with everyone & see how people & things have changed.

On the list of Good Things: Right at the end of the semester my Awesome friend Josh kinda introduced me to a guy friend of his who he said was apearently somewhat interested in me. I added him on FB & we've been chatting back & forth ever since. We have so much in common it's amazing! & The other day we had our lagit. First Date! Which besides my screwing it up by being Super nervous & tense, Was Wonderful! I Really like him, he's so funny & cool, yet super deep & caring. (yeah, I said "deep") I Really really hope things work out!

so, I guess that's the majority of my "News". I am super stressed though right now. Pressure's tramendous, especially with school. I just hope I've got enough spunk to make it through.

Well, that is Officially all I've got. Catch u later!

(P.s. if anyone IS Actually reading this, Please Please leave me Some kind of comment so I know I'm not just talking to myself. THNX!)

PUMA